Monday, April 12, 2010

The Facebook Status Updates That Could Have Been:

I admit it, I spend way too much time on Facebook. Even more alarming is how much time I spend thinking about Facebook. Going about my day I find myself narrating my life in Facebook status updates of 420 characters or less. Plenty of them don't make it to my wall for one reason or another but some are worth sharing somewhere. Don't judge me. I'm not the only one (yeah, yeah, I know, if everybody else jumps off a bridge are you going to and all that) and you Twitter junkies are just as bad. I won't even mention die-hard bloggers, the ones that do things just so they can blog about them. They see life as one giant blog post. Not that I have any knowledge of this personally.

Without further ado, the Facebook Status Updates that could have been:

- High Fructose Corn Syrup is the body and blood of Satan.

- Squiggle Bug eats PB&J by opening the sandwich and eating it from the inside out.

- Lady Gaga is like cotton candy: disgusting over-dyed fluff sugar that you know isn't good for you but you just. can't. stop.

- Is it a bad sign if I'm thinking of what I could put on my Facebook status just seconds after posting one?

- With the laundry and dishes done nobody notices that I haven't showered in days. Clean laundry and dishes are way more important.

- No, I don't just sit around doing nothing all day. Yes, I did just spend an hour getting smiles and laughs from Smunchie. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it.

- I wish I had two washers, one would just be for diapers.

- 11 is the new 2!

- I do not recommend stuffing a crochet wool play cookie in your mouth even if it is to impress a 9 year old.

- You do not want to know where I just found poop.

- It turns out randomly bursting into song really does happen in real life! Either that or my children think we're in a very long musical. A very long musical that sings about everything and I do mean everything.

- When it comes to music, crap is the new pop!

- If I posted every Facebook status that comes into my head I wonder how many times poop would show up in my word tracker thingy.

- Do not threaten me or I'll be forced to spray you with breastmilk. I'm not joking.

- We started watching V and I can't stop! Which totally means I think everyone around me is actually an alien lizard thing.

- All I want to do is sit down and knit.

- "I've got my happy face on today, Les!"

- What are you doing? Nothing? Nothing doesn't look like that. You have the look of something. Something you don't want to tell me.

- "You're not my teacher!" Uh... did I not explain homeschooling to you?

- Copy and paste does not a Facebook status make. *Copy and paste this into your status if you're tired of copy and paste status updates. Only the really fed up will have the courage to do this, most people will just pretend they don't see it.*

- Awwww! Squiggle Bug is an artist! You should totally see the mural in the bathroom.

- I'm starting to think you have to already be organized to get organized.

- Dear child, as long as you are under the age of at least 14, maybe even 18, if you use the phrase "when I was a kid" I will laugh.

- WTH! Did somebody pass out crazy pills and skip me?

- I hate cupcakes. Pinocchio nose? I have no idea what you're talking about.

- Smunchie hates being alone. This works out well. With 4 big sisters being alone won't even happen when she learns how to use the bathroom.

- I totally came up with, like, 6 great status updates in the last hour but didn't want to appear like I have a Facebook problem by sharing them all. Oh, guess I shouldn't have said that.

Bump up my post on Mom Blog Network


  1. This totally cracks me up. Just when I thought you were done... they just kept going. Bravo. You deserve some sort of facebook award. Life is seriously more entertaining and endurable when put in these short witty phrases, don't ya think?

    My last fb post that got a good number of comments was: "While standing in line at Pancheros a girl told me she was sorry for staring, but was just checking out my butt." (True story.)

  2. Life is infinitely better with witty Facebook phrases and tweets to narrate it.

    I love your post though, that is an hilarious story!

  3. this is funny but yeah i remember doing this. it seems so goofy but it was like facebook was some sort of driving force in my life! after taking that long break i feel less obsessed. having less than 100 friends on there also helps. BUT for me it really was an obsession, and this seems like more of a joke. :)

    digging the strictly ballrom reference!


  4. Our family is always on the lookout for witty FB statuses (statusi? lol) But most of the time and can't even post what I come up with because I'm 1) a mom, 2) a wife, and 3) a good Christian woman. Haha!

  5. Why were these not posted, because they are GOOOOOD!! I like the one about finding poop. ;0)

  6. please, post them next time, I can use a good laugh now and again. I used to be like that but now I've evolved to checking my fanpage every five minutes and refreshing my blogger dashboard every ten, just to see if I got comments...
    Don't shoot me for craving the popularity I lacked as a kid :) Ah sweet addiction

  7. You are hilarious! That cracked me up and I think I have a new blog to stalk.

  8. I spend way too much time on Facebook too! I think I've "Become a Fan" of over 400 pages! Yikes. Haha.

  9. I just put feedjit on the blog and I keep checking it! Every time I ask myself what is wrong with me? Am I seriously hoping to suddenly become the cool kid? Hello! That'll never happen.

    Glad you all could have a laugh. I have a new status to add: Turns out I could have a Facebook Statuses that never saw the Light of Day blog post every single day. I am fully aware of how pathetic that makes me.

  10. This was a hoot. I have to confess that I never think of posting a status. My profile is that of a stalker: "Cheryl likes Billy Bob's status." "Cheryl posted a comment on Sue Ann's status." It's just one long list of responses to everyone else's links and statuses.

  11. Thank you for my morning laugh. Now I need to go post about the strange place I found poop this weekend ;)

  12. You're totally awesome! And I feel ya, totally addicted to fb. I laughed out loud! Love your blog!

  13. Ha! I love the copy and paste status feed line. I'm almost fed up enough to copy and paste it!

  14. A friend of mine on FB actually did copy and paste it after she said she wanted to and I dared her. I pasted it then too, it felt so good, ha!